HOT DAMN
i’m a lucky bitch
Kimbra art.
(via fuckyeahkimbra)
this is exactly how i feel, almost down to the word.
OK OK OK OK MY LIFE IS AWESOME
i feel like my life has changed a full 180 in the last week and a half. and i’m scared to believe it, fully, but there’s incontrovertible evidence to the contrary…
i don’t know what it was, whether it was being in those moments of madness and coming out strong, or finding that i could rely on friends i already had, or forcing myself to be happy alone… but i feel somehow whole again, and i feel this peace of mind that i’m relieved has come not from a drug but from my own willpower.
it’s also nice to be rediscovering these things i like to do, the things that calm me down, the things that occupy my mind that had, up till so recently, been filled with thoughts of pain and worry… enjoy every minute! and know that there will be bad moments, and embrace it! such is life! and it’s amazing :)
moving home
might be the best thing for me right now. i’m slowly regaining strength, and i’ve almost shed the delusion that i’m all separated from the world. but i want to know how to be alone again, i want to feel like i’m okay being by myself and i want to understand what i want to do, and maybe i need some time to explore while still feeling supported by my family.
that, and i need to reconnect with them, i think. i’ve tried a couple of times to show them how i’ve changed, but a few visits isn’t going to do anything. i want to give back, to help, to take care of the house and the people i love and simplify my life a little bit before i go big agin. it sounds really… therapeutic, actually.
and this too, shall pass
chaos
i feel numb, and i feel wind blowing around me but i’m not cold, and it’s so quiet that i can hear my own breathing, even though it feels like my heart’s about to explode.
the world is so confusing at this point that i just don’t care anymore. i feel a little faith in the universe, that things are going to work out, but i also feel like i’m going to shake apart…
i haven’t eaten more than 400 cal worth of solid food in 4 days, i lost 9 pounds in a week, i feel like i’m going to cry spontaneously for no reason, and i feel strangely content and happy at the same time, because it feels like i’m going to lose everything i care about when i know simultaneously that it’s impossible to lose everyone i care about
even when i have these self destructive feelings, when i will the world to break into pieces, i can’t do it. i came here more depressed than i have ever been in my entire life, and what do i have to show for it? a solid job, a wonderful boyfriend, a wealth of life experience, an amazing internship, soon to be a degree from UCSB, a restored faith in my family, dozens of friends who compliment me and want to spend time with me, a new will-power to do work and go to the gym and be healthy, and the more i want to believe that my life is total shit the more i have to acknowledge that it’s the exact opposite
i’m so confused. it’s like i have no control over myself, i keep going in a direction regardless of whether or not i want to, it’s insane
dear mom and dad
knowing i can’t go home after graduation is pretty powerful. it’s not that i’m barred from home— i could always ask to, but i would be uneasily received, and would probably be lonely and resentful.
i love my parents. but i think this is the first time in my life that i’ve realized i can’t go to them for advice anymore, i can’t go to them for direction or aid in self-comprehension. my mom meant so well yesterday, and although some important stuff stuck, she really did a number on my progress so far. it took some time with linda, max, and jen to really put myself back on track. they have their own lives to live, and they don’t understand me anymore. they have no way of comprehending my problems, my struggles, my dreams, because they take very little time to find out. and that’s okay— they’ll get to know me later on.
it’s strange to not rely on them, but when have i ever really felt i needed to? i feel sad and unwanted and estranged because they don’t call me every month or don’t worry when i’m sick or don’t send me care packages, but that’s only because i expect of them what i see other parents doing, i expect of them a role that isn’t theirs to play. and i shouldn’t feel bad because of it, i’m lucky that my parents have so much faith in me. i love them but i don’t need them, and this time i need to be able to tell myself that i’m ok, not call my mom searching for answers.
thanks mom, and i love you. but this world is mine, and i’ll take the path i need to take.
